http://www.kylecease.com/the-horrifying-illusion-in-most-relationships/
Recently, my attention was brought to the above article, which made strong assertions on a number of points in a sceptical, though arguably sensible way. Being the paradoxical cynical romantic that I am, and on account of recent experiences, I see and agree with the logic behind some of the points, but at the same time, feel compelled to make some rebuttal and voice a number of my own thoughts. Could this time be better spent elsewhere? Probably, but too late, I’ve already started.
Ever since I started watching movies and shows featuring long winded tales of love that featured every plot device imaginable, from complex love triangles to surreal adventures and mishaps that eventually result in a couple finding what is deemed the ‘happily ever after’, I’ve known them to be unrealistic. And they are. Much as movies try to emulate the real world, things in life are never guaranteed to somehow resolve as they typically are expected to in the screen world. And it is also indubitable that such things have an influence on we who watch them. But are warped perceptions all we get out of these manifestations of love that we see around us in the modern day? I am inclined to disagree.
We live in a world where individualism is increasingly championed. Most of the time, this is a good thing - it allows us to appreciate people for who they are, gives chances for people to shine and lets us feel special in a society where competition seems to be the essence of everything. But at the same time, it labels as sheep those who prefer to follow rather than lead, and makes us view any form of submission or giving ground to someone else as a sign of weakness, or a personal guilt that we’re losing our independence. But in relationships, complete individuality isn’t possible, compromise is inevitable - which has led many, myself included, to wonder whether humans are actually meant to be alone rather than with someone. Yet at the same time, I’ve come to realise, that perhaps it’s not so much a matter of necessity, or what ought to happen, but rather what we want.
We can look back to our childhoods and reminisce the little crushes that we had, and yes, perhaps we didn’t feel incomplete then. But that is making an implied assumption that the emotions and feelings we felt as youngsters remain the same as we grow older. From personal experience, and I’m sure I’m not the only one to have realised this at some point, the further we move into our youth, the shallower we find our feelings to have been about things that we once were so infatuated about. As emotions mature however, I don’t think what is felt for a significant other in the late teens or early twenties can be compared to say what was felt at the onset of puberty. And with everything that’s said about the kids these days maturing earlier, this is even more applicable. Frankly speaking, feeling incomplete after an adult breakup just cannot be compared to the feeling of not having a crush like you back. The two are emotional worlds apart.
I suppose everyone reaches different levels of emotions at different times, but there are people you meet, and things that you feel, that just aren’t like anything else. Recently I opened up my heart to someone like I’ve never done before, because it was someone who really allowed me to be myself, and loved me for who I was. And possibly that’s half the difficulty - actually finding that person, because if you have the right person, loss of individuality shouldn’t be a problem. They will want to do the things you want with you not for the thing to be done, but rather for the speciality of doing it with you. And even where my individuality may have suffered some minor hits, I loved it, I wanted it. And I think that’s the difference that that above piece fails to grasp. When you find that person that you really want to be with, I don’t feel losing some individuality should matter. Because you’re happy to make the compromises of being together, and the fact that you’re willing to do that is a reflection of how much you want to be together. What can be a better sign of how much you love someone than the fact that you would give up some of yourself for them? It’s not that you’ve lost part of you, just that you’ve let them have it, and it’s because you wanted them to have it. It’s not that you NEED them to survive, or that you can’t be happy without them, but rather that you can be so much more happier with them. And that’s what makes it worthwhile.
Still, I guess it’s a fine line between co-dependency and interdependency, and in a relationship, the latter is definitely more ideal. And all this changes when things do go downhill, so a bucket of cold water in the face which that piece gives might be quite helpful in that situation. But at the end of the day, I don’t think feeling incomplete without someone is a bad thing. In a world where you don’t expect many relationships to last, and stuff like breakups have almost come to be a staple part of living life, maybe it isn’t the best idea to be diving deep head first every single time. But that doesn’t mean that we should refuse to open up to someone and let them play a directing role in our lives when the right person comes along. Relationship resolutions in movies and shows may not be exemplar of reality, but they do give something for us to aspire to, to try to emulate. And in trying to do that, we try to find a way to make things work out. Because that’s what we innately want. It’s just a matter of finding it.
