I Just Can't Wait To Be... Me

Today, I spent I rather pleasant morning in my garden, fixing it up. Though I'd only been gone for a week and a half, the backyard hadn't really received a mow or a tidy since early August when I came back for the start of second semester, and although it had looked at least bearable at when I departed for mid-semester break, its strange growth spurt over my away time resulted in it looking almost jungle-like when I returned. So this morning saw the lawn subjected to the whirling blades of the mower, and the edges and tree borders attacked by vicious pair of trimmers, as well as other various weeding measures so that it now looks like someone lives here again. Placed in an apparent mood of housekeeping, I also got round to vacuuming the whole house, putting up some curtains, doing the washing, and then sat down, all complete by 11:30am, with a cup of cold juice to admire my handiwork and take a rest. 

So what's with this random catalogue of domestic labours, one might ask? It doesn't sound particularly exciting, or anything to make a big deal over. It doesn't sound like something that should incite much thinking, not to mention writing about. And possibly most importantly, it doesn't sound like the typical agendum of an eighteen year old, fresh from trip back home and returned to university life. Thus I thought as I looked out over my little garden, cup in hand. It makes me seem like some middle aged person, possibly more elderly, potting around the house and garden fixing things up as though I have nothing better to do. And yet I really enjoyed it, had fun even, working along with my earphones plugged in, listening to my music. A sad life? Perhaps. 

But the more I think about it, the more I think it's not just that. Maybe this is the thing. Maybe this is just how I am. After all, ever since I was quite little, people have been saying that I'm more matured than my age suggests. I hesitate to say more mature, because I know I can still do incredibly silly things and I have my moments of ridiculous naïvety, but I think it's safe to go for matureD. I would like to think that there are elements to me that make me not yet a typical middle-aged man, all settled down and anchored, but I'm definitely not a quintessential adolescent either. And though I don't think I have too much trouble with having fun with friends and stuff like that, it still goes without saying that I derive little joy from much of what denotes a modern day teenage/early adult life. 

Because everything seems to point at the fact that I'm in the wrong age bracket. While most teenagers are sleeping late and waking late, I'm sleeping early and waking early. While most teenagers go for cheap beers and shots at pubs, I much more prefer a nice glass of Cabernet Merlot at home. While most teenagers want to mix and mingle and meet lots of new people, I just want a small close group of friends that I can talk to whenever about anything, and that I can always count on. While most teenagers go out into town at night, I'd rather sit at home with a book or a good TV show or some nice music and relax. While most teenager use clubbing and partying for socialising, I'd like to invite a couple of friends over and just talk about stuff, play something, watch something, enjoy each other's company. While most teenagers go in and out of relationships looking for the better person to be with, I just want to have someone I can give my heart to and stay with for the rest of my life. And I'm not trying to be judgemental - it's just that that seems to be what people our age do nowadays, and I just can't enjoy doing it. 

Over the last few months, and probably helped a lot both by having a deep relationship and the rigours of having to manage a whole house, I've slowly come to realise how much I'm ready to be an adult already. Not just in the sense of age, but more what it entails. And this morning, it just really hit home. I can't wait to be out of Uni, but not because of work and assignments and exams and everything else that people tend to get fed up with when it comes to studying. I just can't wait to be in a time when I have a job that I go to regularly and enjoy, and have to work hard and efficiently; when I have a house that I can call home, in which I can live every day life with the household chores and paying all the bills on time as well as it being a place for relaxing; when I have my someone special that I can come home to, have a family with, and love with all my heart and will do for the rest of my life. It may seem scary to some, ludicrous to others, but I'm ready for that, and everything that comes with it. 

Indubitably, it's a lot more simple just saying it than actually getting to it and having all that. And besides, there are still definitely things I'd like to do as a youth, things I'd like to see, places I'd like to go, dreams I'd like to fulfil. But at the same time, there are moments, such as today, when I just feel unbearably that I'm an older person trapped in a teenager's skin, and only ever partially compatible with everything that's going on around me. And maybe all my quirks, all my attitudes and all the idiosyncrasies of my character will one day have the worth that I wish they could now, but right now, they all but make me an ugly duckling of the teenage world. But there's nothing to be done except to wait the time out and take life as it comes. Meanwhile, I shall indulge the aspects that I can, and find my own enjoyment in them. And so I pick up my trimmers, and go to fix the edge of my driveway. 

The Horrifying Illusion in Most Relationships?

http://www.kylecease.com/the-horrifying-illusion-in-most-relationships/

Recently, my attention was brought to the above article, which made strong assertions on a number of points in a sceptical, though arguably sensible way. Being the paradoxical cynical romantic that I am, and on account of recent experiences, I see and agree with the logic behind some of the points, but at the same time, feel compelled to make some rebuttal and voice a number of my own thoughts. Could this time be better spent elsewhere? Probably, but too late, I’ve already started.

Ever since I started watching movies and shows featuring long winded tales of love that featured every plot device imaginable, from complex love triangles to surreal adventures and mishaps that eventually result in a couple finding what is deemed the ‘happily ever after’, I’ve known them to be unrealistic. And they are. Much as movies try to emulate the real world, things in life are never guaranteed to somehow resolve as they typically are expected to in the screen world. And it is also indubitable that such things have an influence on we who watch them. But are warped perceptions all we get out of these manifestations of love that we see around us in the modern day? I am inclined to disagree.

We live in a world where individualism is increasingly championed. Most of the time, this is a good thing - it allows us to appreciate people for who they are, gives chances for people to shine and lets us feel special in a society where competition seems to be the essence of everything. But at the same time, it labels as sheep those who prefer to follow rather than lead, and makes us view any form of submission or giving ground to someone else as a sign of weakness, or a personal guilt that we’re losing our independence. But in relationships, complete individuality isn’t possible, compromise is inevitable - which has led many, myself included, to wonder whether humans are actually meant to be alone rather than with someone. Yet at the same time, I’ve come to realise, that perhaps it’s not so much a matter of necessity, or what ought to happen, but rather what we want. 

We can look back to our childhoods and reminisce the little crushes that we had, and yes, perhaps we didn’t feel incomplete then. But that is making an implied assumption that the emotions and feelings we felt as youngsters remain the same as we grow older. From personal experience, and I’m sure I’m not the only one to have realised this at some point, the further we move into our youth, the shallower we find our feelings to have been about things that we once were so infatuated about. As emotions mature however, I don’t think what is felt for a significant other in the late teens or early twenties can be compared to say what was felt at the onset of puberty. And with everything that’s said about the kids these days maturing earlier, this is even more applicable. Frankly speaking, feeling incomplete after an adult breakup just cannot be compared to the feeling of not having a crush like you back. The two are emotional worlds apart. 

I suppose everyone reaches different levels of emotions at different times, but there are people you meet, and things that you feel, that just aren’t like anything else. Recently I opened up my heart to someone like I’ve never done before, because it was someone who  really allowed me to be myself, and loved me for who I was. And possibly that’s half the difficulty - actually finding that person, because if you have the right person, loss of individuality shouldn’t be a problem. They will want to do the things you want with you not for the thing to be done, but rather for the speciality of doing it with you. And even where my individuality may have suffered some minor hits, I loved it, I wanted it. And I think that’s the difference that that above piece fails to grasp. When you find that person that you really want to be with, I don’t feel losing some individuality should matter. Because you’re happy to make the compromises of being together, and the fact that you’re willing to do that is a reflection of how much you want to be together. What can be a better sign of how much you love someone than the fact that you would give up some of yourself for them? It’s not that you’ve lost part of you, just that you’ve let them have it, and it’s because you wanted them to have it. It’s not that you NEED them to survive, or that you can’t be happy without them, but rather that you can be so much more happier with them. And that’s what makes it worthwhile. 

Still, I guess it’s a fine line between co-dependency and interdependency, and in a relationship, the latter is definitely more ideal. And all this changes when things do go downhill, so a bucket of cold water in the face which that piece gives might be quite helpful in that situation. But at the end of the day, I don’t think feeling incomplete without someone is a bad thing. In a world where you don’t expect many relationships to last, and stuff like breakups have almost come to be a staple part of living life, maybe it isn’t the best idea to be diving deep head first every single time. But that doesn’t mean that we should refuse to open up to someone and let them play a directing role in our lives when the right person comes along. Relationship resolutions in movies and shows may not be exemplar of reality, but they do give something for us to aspire to, to try to emulate. And in trying to do that, we try to find a way to make things work out. Because that’s what we innately want. It’s just a matter of finding it. 

The Wisdom of Martial

The things that make a life to please
     (Sweetest Martial), they are these:
Estate inherited, not got:
     A thankful field, hearth always hot:
City seldom, law-suits never:     
     Equal friends agreeing ever:
Health of body, peace of mind:
     Sleeps that till the morning bind:
Wise simplicity, plain fare:
     Not drunken nights, yet loosed from care:
A sober, not a sullen spouse:
     Clean strength, not such as he that plows;
Wish only what you are, to be;
     Death neither wish, nor fear to see.

- Martial 10.47

Stuck There

It is nearing 10.

It had been a long day, last night's sleep hadn't been good.

And she hadn't come online.

He rubs his eyes and yawns.

Perhaps it's time to call it a night,

Or maybe wait just a little longer, just in case.

Then, on the corner of the screen, something changes.

There she is!

His fingers fly in a flurry to the keyboard

and pause.

The nightly uncertainties appear in his head -

Does she really want to talk to me?

Should I disrupt her once again?

Once again, he decides to continue.

It is worth every minute of it.

He loses himself in the conversation,

like a soul lost in paradise, all his cares

dropped away, and his worries left behind him.

Not a hint of emotion is betrayed in his careful words,

as he hides his heart, hoping it might one day be found,

yet not for a moment considering

that his eagerness may be his undoing.

They talk about things, times, trifles, and the clock quietly ticks by.

It is nearing 12.

He finally, reluctantly, said his goodbye.

But even as he shut his eyes, her face swam before him in his mind

and the sound of her laugh echoed around inside his head.

And he knew with a sense of delight and apprehension

that this night's sleep wouldn't be good.

Because she was there,

within his mind,

stuck there,

still.

The Eagle

A lonely eagle flying high surveys the earth below,

And silhouetted 'gainst the sun, he's just a speck to most.

But from the sky he sees the world, its happiness and woe,

And to a load of thoughts and feelings he too is a host.

He watches as a pair of dolphins frolic in the sea

And leaping through the water in each other's company.

A matching pair of butterflies flit nonchalantly past

And never let the space between them grow a bit too vast.

Amid the trees a doe is nestling, calm, upon her knees

And guarded by her loving stag, watchful of enemies.

Two swans glide gracefully across a lake, sharing one mind,

and bind them together with their necks strongly entwined.

Oh look! The eagle spots a mate (maybe she'll be the one),

And starts to change his course of flight so he may catch her eye.

But he had scarcely made a move when someone else flew by

And wooed her by some other other means - her heart he soon had won.

The eagle took wing overhead, above our house this morn,

And went unseen by many here, but not ignored be me.

It seemed to me that like the eagle, some are thusly born

And destined to be solitary ... some, perhaps, like me.

Alone

Two clouded eyes look into cloudless skies;
Past swirling mist they stare up at the stars
In search of answers true. The recent scars
Still flash obscurely in the past, and cries
Of warning echo through the wintry dark.
So is it worth the foreseeable pain,
To try to tread the trail of love again?
When every touch of ardour leaves a mark
Perhaps it's one temptation to resist?
The mind still stumbles, anxious, in the shroud.
The heart restrained and skeptical with doubt.
Is anyone out there who may assist?
But, the stars stay as they are, silent as stone.
The answer I must find in me, alone.

A White Road

Dedicated to Olivia Clair Manning

Sometimes the world turns to grey, and we can’t see past the gloom.

Barely anything shines for long, and for light there’s little room.

The past seems somewhat shadowy and the future sombre too.

The present is like an endless tunnel that we have to trundle through.

Looking in the mirror, not much seems worthy of praise.

Try to conjure up something positive, and it’s hard to find a single phrase.

Paths that once were straight and true, now seem to go the wrong way.

And feet that once trod a road well planned, have suddenly gone astray.

Once again the cliche sayings are promptly set before us.

People on all sides chant them like an old repetitive chorus:

‘There’s a silver lining on every cloud, and a light at the tunnels’ end.’

You ask them where they’re to be found, they say ‘just around the bend’.

But often it is not that easy, to discover the real way out.

Our own thoughts and feelings leave us even more in doubt.

Therefore we must take the plunge and look at ourselves well.

To find out what is truly wrong and discover what the sayings tell.

Often when we look inside, everything seems dull and bland.

And we tend to miss the treasures hidden deep under the sand.

We point out all the defects, and criticise every fault.

Not realising that we’re grinding ourselves to a halt.

Everyone around us just seems so much better off.

And when they try to convince us otherwise, all we do is scoff.

We end up picking all the problems and ignoring all the rights.

And so we deepen all the shadows and forget about highlights.

So what happened to the things we ignored, the things that we forgot?

If we just leave them there, then they will begin to rot.

What’s the use of having IQ, when there’s no EQ behind it?

No point in being completely smart if you’re as apathetic as a bandit.

What use is there in talent, when there’s not appreciation?

Even the best performer can’t give himself a big ovation.

Why be rich and famous, if you have no one with whom to share?

Even those in high places need friends to be with them there.

And so when life appears to treat you badly, and everything is down.

We must look at all these qualities to make a smile and raise the frown.

When you focus on them, they are often as sweet as candy.

They can sometimes be hard to find, but that’s where friends are handy.

If anyone can be totally honest with you, it will be them.

So don’t push them away when they tell you parts of you are a gem.

All the good things about you they know better than any.

So even if you just see few, they will still see many.

In the end, life is just one long bumpy hilly journey.

And at times it can feel just as though you’re caught in a tourney.

Then you have to fight the dark black shadows of the night.

So that the right wins out and you can reemerge into the light.

There may be times when you feel like thinking you just don’t belong.

But then you have to convince yourself that that is only wrong.

Throughout all time there’ll only be just one of you, just one.

And no matter what, there’s always a place for you under this sun.